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Friday, December 31, 2010

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.” Edith Lovejoy Pierce

It is going to be the end of the year tomorrow...and the beginning of another. Hopefully everyone will say good bye to 2010 with out to many tears in their eyes, and look forward to 2011 with faith and optimism in their hearts. A lot comes and goes with the new year, out goes old loves, lost friendships, passed opportunities, regretted decisions; while we carry with us lessons learned, passions created, memories made, wishes granted, rewards gained. As everyone begins listing their expectations for 2011, I can't seem to bring myself to consider what i want out of 2011. Every year I ask for the same thing; recognition for my work, appreciation for my friendship, a burning love for someone out there, the ability to stay true to myself, self control...and every year I find that those things come from going through the hard times first. I can't just HOPE all goes my way, I HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. So this year my plan is...to stop anticipating change...and change things myself. If I keep waiting I miss out on so much. It's time to go with the flow, accept the offers that come, work towards being a better me. It's time to release Anna 100%. No more being fearful of what others think, being fearful of the future, being fearful of what I think. There are some things that have to start inside yourself...and this year my NEW YEAR starts in me.

I am going to try to do somethings better though...like read books more often, audition for shows, make friends, connect deeper with loved ones, and be more faithful to my blog.

Happy New Years Everyone, make something out of it.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Taking the Initiative

Life sometimes deals you cards, that you really just should toss to the side. I know, you feel wrong, like every opportunity should be taken and followed through. You want to push to get the best out of every experience, and sometimes giving up just doesn't seem like an option. But what if the best option is not doing anything at all...letting something just slide by you.

For example, a sexy man...named Roberto in this story,or if you are a dude reading this her name can be Bridgette...walks into your life. S/He flirts, s/he touches, s/he winks in your general direction, you return the gestures of interest in hope that Roberto (Bridgette) will one day carry you into the room and make you scream his/her name. But that never happens, because Roberto (Bridgette) is shy, and can't make a move to save his/her life. So your initial reaction is to chase after Roberto (Bridgette), make sure you finish what s/he started and was unable to carry through. Let me just say that this move is not always the wisest.

However!!! If Roberto (Bridgette) is a top ten hunk/babe of muscle then please don't let him/her slip out of your fingers, hold on to him/her, chase his/her sexy ass in circles until s/hes too tired to run away.

But if you can realized s/hes not your type, not your norm, and you were just looking for someone to pass the time--stop and think it through. Chasing after him/her might make you someone you're not, and what do you get from it? Either an emotionless hook up, or a cracked heart. But walking away can hold so much more for you....walking away means you know more about yourself. You're strong, and independent, you have poise and priorities...and then when Roberto (Bridgette) wants you again after you move on...you'll be able to smirk and walk away knowing that S/HE missed out on a great opportunity...not you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Exploitation of Intelligence

Intelligence should not be tested, it should not be measured, and it should not be graded. Intelligence is an individual's ability to think in a certain light, that differs from another thought process. My intelligence lies within other realms than that of my classmate next to me, and that's ok. While he sits and thinks of worldly problems, rain drops, and cake...I ponder the ideas of self concept, cardigans, zumba, and sexual frustration. Although our ideas and thoughts differ, it does not mean one of us has a higher intelligence level than the other. It DOES NOT mean he is smarter than me, or the other way around.

I hope one day, everyone will respect their intelligence. If you say that already exists, look around you...do you see the girl that says "I don't know" every time she speaks her mind, how about the man who mumbles his opinion in class, or the sorority girl that considers her self a dumb blond. They don't respect their own intelligence, because others have constantly told them different. They had a teacher that didn't respect their own individual thoughts. Maybe they turned in paper after paper, and instead of receiving constructive criticism their teacher only told them they were wrong. I want everyone to respect their mind, believe in the power that they can become something bigger, or do something bigger, or believe in something bigger.

I guess learning to embody one's intelligence is hard thing to do. When you're told for so long that you aren't smart, you aren't thinking correctly, you aren't worth your intelligence...you begin to believe it. Take the time to listen to someone, and really experience the way they talk, the words they use, the passion behind their thoughts. Their passion for everything they feel and think, the way they are able to convey who they are, is an invitation for self discovery as well. When you accept a person for all that they are, you too begin to accept yourself. This self acceptance will then fuel the revolt against pity and hatred and disgust in the world. Start the change within yourself, become who you are without worrying that others won't accept you. Your intelligence matters. It is important, and you must feel your words are worth saying.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Scramble Blasphamy

For the past couple of days i have sat in front of my computer, opened my blog, and then just stared at the empty blog posting page. I haven't had anything to write about lately, and now i know why. I find that i can only write when I am writing to someone, or for someone, and my thoughts lately have been rather selfish. Everything is about how i'm feeling, how my day is, how i look, how i want to feel, what i want to eat...and I am really sick of it.

I'm not sure what this post will be today, maybe a poem/letter/tribute/inspirational piece of something. I'm just going to let everything flow out of me. maybe if I write down all of the selfishness, it'll go away.

Expression. The art of explaining oneself. I lack vocal expression. I lack artistic expression, I am nothing but facial expressions. A smile, a squint, a funny face. Hello my name is Anna, and my face is the window to my soul. But he can't see my face, he can't see the pain that i feel with him being away. Maybe it's a good thing.If he saw how much I missed him...i don't think he'd be ok with leaving me again and i want him to grow. I wish him well, and I love him, and i need to express that to him.

Dear Friends,
I thank you for being always there. Always being there. I know i can depend on you, because I have learned to accept your help and kindness, I hope i am able to do the same for you. My words of advice come from deep within me, and the fact that you take the time to listen to them means more than you can know. SO thank you friends, for being a support system that never falls.

eyes meet in the crowded room
it hurts to think of our past
you know the story
you're the main character
its not a bed time story,
or a classic,
or a thriller.
its not a story worth telling
so why did i write it?
Our eyes meet in the crowded room
and you smile at me
but i dont understand
what is it you want
me?
i cant go back to that
i cant move forward either
this story i've written is the same every time you turn the page
i have no place to go,
until i rewrite the ending.

Tomorrow brings on a regular witty post, sorry for putting this out there...but its got to be done

Monday, October 11, 2010

“You feel like there's a little higher call that you're playing for. It takes away from the personal anxiety and makes it an inspirational thing.” Phil Garner

My inspiration; Nicki, Mrs. Duerk, Miss Andy.

Nicki: My little cousin, my favorite cousin, she's more than just a cousin, shes in most cases my best friend, and every reason i work hard at all i do. I'm not sure if she looks up to me, but in the off chance that she does, i refuse to be a bad example. I live my life the way i do for her. I hope she realizes how much she means to me, and how much i care about her. Inspiration doesn't have to come from someone doing amazing things, but it can come from someone being a genuine friend. That's what Nicki is in a nut shell, genuine. She never is anything other than the truth and everything you need in a person. Nicki is my inspiration to never become idol, and to always strive.

Mrs. Duerk; She's my old theatre teacher, my first theatre teacher, the woman who changed the rest of my life. I never had stepped on stage before her. i had never experienced my passion before her. its amazing how long i lived without realizing what i truly loved to do. Theatre is my future, and she did that for me. When it got hard and i was ready to quit, she didn't let me, she made me push on. When she was angry because I messed up, she just made me want to prove her wrong. I have new theatre teachers now, but the dedication she instilled within me, and the amount of belief she has for me will forever drive me to my goal.

Miss Andy: She taught me dance, for a very long time. She passed away my freshman year, esophagus cancer. there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how beautiful of a person she was. She taught me more than how to dance, she taught me about passion and striving for a goal, and being comfortable in my own skin. the first time i stepped into a dance studio after she passed away, I felt a cold wind pass over me, I couldn't dance, not without her there. I fell onto the floor of that studio, in a small heap and cried. I cried until i had nothing left in me, my body quivered, my mind was exhausted. I knew Miss Andy would never want me to feel this way, I had to learn to overcome the loss, so I stood..and danced. I danced and cried, and it hurt so much but it was the beginning of becoming stronger. I knew at that point to get anywhere, I had to be strong enough to challenge the hardest of moments. Miss Andy captured a part of my soul and made it bigger and capable to handle all that was going to come my way. She was the beginning of everything that became my life.

My inspiration list goes on and on and on...but these selective few have been sch a large part of me, they belong on their own page.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Rewritten

As the lights dim in the room, my hand finds his, our fingers intertwining never before fitting so right. My head rests slightly on his shoulder, his breath in time with mine. His lips are softly placed on my forehead, they linger, make me forget the broken promises of the past. I gaze up to have my eyes meet his, hazel in color they shine brighter than ever letting myself get lost in a moment of false emotion, but none of that matters not when I’m in his arms. I want nothing more than our lips to become more than just external pieces of our selves. One simple kiss turns into eternity of hope and love and belonging. I press closer trying to get myself as close as possible never wanting to experience life without him beside me. I don’t want this to be the last time I see this, I feel this, I won’t let this end because nothing is ever better that way, i love everything he does and will never go anywhere. I love him...I’ll love him forever.

As she wipes away the blackened tears she finds herself still in his arms, she pushes away ready to escape and leave everything he ever said behind her, ready to act as though those words he said never existed. Her body shivers at the fact that never again will she go crying to him, never again will she hear I love you, never again will she be what he need . She still loves him, she said she always would and she meant it. He walks off the front porch of her house with a flood of tears streaming down his face. He keeps his back to her so he can't see the mess he created. He still loves her.

Weeks and months fly by, her head still in a daze, nothing is done without thinking of him and she can't seem to wipe her heart of those previous months. As he tosses his graduation hat in the air she contemplates rushing the field being taken into his arms and smiling thanking the heavens above for this boy who is everything she's been praying for. Instead she slowly hops the fence and strolls to the newly gone seniors. Their eyes meet and she smiles gives a thumbs up and keeps forward wondering when he will ever stop being the one thing she wants the most. The rest of the night means nothing.

She sits upon the moving boxes stacked in her room, looking at the walls that bear pictures of her life. The one that catches her eye isn’t where she is perched upon the lap of her favorite grandfather, or the one that shows her friends all lined up trying to accomplish a stance only Charlie’s Angels should be allowed to do. It isn’t the picture of her former best friend that holds so much underlying tension and pain beneath the glass, nor is it the picture of her, silent, eyes slightly closed, reminiscing in black and white. It is the picture of him and her, and she can’t help but shed a tear thinking back to that day, and how nothing could ever amount to what she felt. As she stares into that picture, she realizes she was foolish to think something so na├»ve could out last all the other memories that surround her. And as the last of her childhood life is packed away and she begins to move on, and packs away every thought she ever had of him.

Deep into her studies, nothing comes to mind often other than math equations, lab schedules, essay prompts, and Saturday night parties. On occasion a guy catches her eye, throws her a quick smirk, and continues on. Nothing goes beyond flirtation and a steamy quick paced fool around. She has stories to tell to friends, and they all laugh and congratulate her on each accomplishment, but something is always missing. The connection, the passion, the comfort, and the memories she packed away. Before long, every emotion pours into her being, flowing through her entirety, energizing her. Lights beam down on her differently than before. Everyone seems brighter, people seem to laugh more, guys seem more attractive. There is a new bounce in her step, and although she is no closer to finding romance, she no longer misses him, or wants him, or needs him. But she does thank him for allowing herself the possibility to fall in love all over again.

*Pieces of this story are taken from real life experiences, however not all events have taken place.*

Anna

I have come to realize, many of you may not know a single thing about me, and that's ok, relationships take time to build. I figured it was time for a post all about me, the ins, some of the outs, and after this will be coming the usual poetic shit, and some stories!

Hi my name is Anna, I’m 18, Hispanic, 5'4", and no I don’t have the perfect body. I'm a strong catholic who occasionally makes mistakes. I'm always determined, I care too much and I’m a hopeless romantic who doesn't believe in perfect moments. I love to laugh and have sarcastic arguments. I believe cuddling is more important than sex could ever be. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I cling to people because I’m afraid of being forgotten. College is my playground, there are so many doors opening, and I want to go through them all. I love my friends, old and new. Family and friends are what matter most to me, they are my driving force. I like helping others, because I feel in a small way I’ve changed the world. There is no longer a necessity to hide who you are, and I like who I am. My smile is genuine, my laugh too loud, and my belief in everyone never ending. I give second chances, but never third. My trust is easily gained, as long as you do the same for me. I know what I want; I know how to get there, I’m not sure if I can. My biggest fear is not fitting in somewhere. I watch foreign films because they make me feel worldly. I want a relationship that requires minimal drama and texting, tons of laughing, and surprise. I am an independent, jovial, everyday girl who happens to enjoy the life she lives. And my favorite song is Over the Rainbow, accompanied by a ukulele.

I am Anna.

THIS is me.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Pretty in pink



Pretty. This video made me cry. How true it is that sometimes those closest to us dont see what they do, and you become angry...when really they dont look at you that way at all. Pretty. I realized that those I call pretty, are beautiful and those i call beautiful are fake. I have a skewed perception of the world, with no one to blame but myself. Pretty. Men can be pretty too...i'm just not sure what that means in the whole scheme of my mind.

Pretty.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” -Tom Krause

Putting my self out there is a difficult thing to do. For those of you that personally know me you might find this shocking. But truthfully, being loud and funny and outgoing all the time is hard for me. Sometimes I want to be the quiet girl in the back that just laugh at the jokes being told. But deep down I know I would miss out on so many opportunities.

Courage. I don't think it means you can fight tigers with your bear hands, or stop a bus about to hit a small car. I think courage is speaking your mind. i give mad props to the person who is able to stand up and say "I'm not ok with how you treat me" "I hate the way you put yourself down" "I am amazing at what i do...so you can put that in your juice box and suck it" "I Love you."

The world needs more courageous people. Be that person. But part of having courage is knowing the limits. Sometimes staying quiet is just as hard as speaking up. There has to be a balance, cause if everyone expects you to speak your mind everytime, then they'll always know what you're thinking. And sometimes...things should be left as an internal monologue. Not everyone wants to know that you think of your math teacher in a speedo.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

“Only a brave person is willing to honestly admit, and fearlessly to face, what a sincere and logical mind discovers.” Rodan of Alexandria

I spend too much time thinking with my eyes open, I need to feel the world rather than see it.

This is my advise to myself...feel don't see. I suppose I can share it with everyone else. Maybe then everyone will be a little kinder to the elderly woman sitting next to them who drops her newspaper, or the person trying to hold open a gate and get their bike through at the same time, or maybe just maybe people will begin to say thank you...and mean it. We live in a busy world...a self focused world. I know there are people around me hurting, I mean truly hurting, yet i continue to focus on the pettiness that surrounds my life. I know that a simple kind word can make a person's day better, or a hug that makes a person cry can change their life.

There are so many people in my life that have changed me. As I sit and write tonight, that sole tear streams down my cheek, because i live a blessed life. I hope those of you reading can learn with me to become part of something bigger. Something Deeper.

I have a challenge for all of you, myself too. For one week-7 days write daily, anything...something...just let it be your own words. I don't care what it is you write. but when you do write, allow nothing to stop your flow. So many times I sit to write and I edit my thoughts. I silence myself. Don't let that constant judging attack you when you should be most comfortable with yourself. I will do all of this with you, and I will post it here. Lets do a little self discovery together. if you are feeling brave, even just for a split second share what you think...all judgment will be put aside. If you are uncomfortable doing so that's ok too, sometimes its necessary to hide your thoughts from the world, just don't hide them from yourself anymore.

I hope that by doing this, I find a better part of me buried inside, one that is able to look beyond my outer distractions and truly feel the world around me. But more so...I hope someone does this with me, and they find what they've been missing.

Love. Peace. Silence. Belief.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Chicken Scratch Life Story

This is my world...The happy, the sad, the confusing, the jumbled, the fragments. These are my thoughts....simply me.

There is a place to begin and end...the in between is what you make of it. There is a time and space for a lack of originality, but as we float through the universe, each finds their own voice, a unique something worth being known for, worth living for.

Lost in the here and now because I'm focused on the tomorrow, the tomorrow that holds acceptable happiness, the conforming smile. Lost in the here and now, wishing for a yesterday that makes sense. It is all unattainable....everything. Yesterday, tomorrow...they're all just past or future today's.

Confused scramble, loss of words, likes and dislikes, all just storytelling without the pictures. One day my rambles will be heard and loved, and understood. One day the world will know me and my emotions. The character based on me, for me. Described in plain English, described for the masses, written for me.

No one will know it, no one will see it, no one will believe me. No lies, no smiles, just me, lost in a world she pretends to understand. The heartache, the wrong choices, the internal monologues spoken aloud, controversy worthy, no hidden meaning. No happy ending, if it even ever ends.

Play on words, play on meaning, music covering the hidden thoughts as she sits on the floor, penning out her possibilities.

Live, breathe, succeed, love.

A Chicken Scratch Life Story.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

“The one who loves you will make you weep.” -Argentine

The idea of love is contagious, so is the idea of success, honesty, and contentment. Love, what is it? I don't think any definition does the word LOVE justice. Four little letters, one syllable, so many meanings. Love goes beyond affection, beyond passion, beyond sex.

I don't think that one could say that to show someone love is to surprise them with roses, buy them jewelery, and to fully support all they do. To me that isn't love at all. It might be that my idea of love is skewed, misshapen, or maybe that feeling i get isn't love at all and I just don't know it.

But for me love is the fighting, and the pain, and the nights where you're sick and that person who you love, and who loves you so much is willing to sit up with you while you sneeze and watch scooby doo.Love is knowing when to tickle a person and how they take their coffee.Love isn't just the smiles you share with each other, but it's about the way your hands fit together, and how you can see in their eyes that they had a bad day. Love isn't sitting through a chick flick for your girl, its sitting through a chick flick with your girl and being able to make fun of it cause you know no matter how upset she acts, she thinks you're funny.

Love is acceptance of ones true self, seeing a persons flaws and loving them more because of them. Love is that song you hear on the radio, maybe the backstreet boys (cause they always have a way of putting things), that makes you cry because it speaks right to your idea of love. There all of those cheesy love things that go around on social networking sites that say "loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting that they'll never do it." Sounds poetic, sure. But really...love is knowing the person you love will more than likely hurt you, and trusting they'll help put you back together.

Love is an idea, a changing, breathing, living idea. It does not come in one size or shape or one condition. Love SHOULD be like a language, not spoken for proficiency but rather for pleasure. Do not make loving someone a chore, or you will never be satisfied.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” -Colin Raye

The world is at my fingertips

Reaching grasping hoping

no longer waiting to exist, but merely existing to wait.

With my eyes to the sky

And my head in the clouds.

Angels whisper of the coming of the kingdom to those who make the effort of understanding.

I question my intentions with you standing by me

expecting to Hear the I love you of your life Time

Only to be left with an empty coffee cup.

The grounds at the bottom staring into the face of a born again lover.

We take pride in the Talking and laughing that fills the empty silence with commotion sharp like a freight train.

Pointless noise fills the lines of notebook pages while we scramble to create a song of accepted emotion to produce for the masses.

While staring into the eyes of an infant

past Present future are embellished with wishful thinking,

and the nature of man kind is Nothing bigger than a mathematical equation,

Used to define space and time Beyond the inception of our dreams.

The dreams I've created

The one that I've taken for granted

The one I share with you as the sun rises beyond the pier of the silent beach while the sand is scrunched beneath foot steps Of despair.

And while I Wade in the low hum of city lights

I continue to estimate the importance of a notion.

A notion dedicated to changing what lies deep under the crust of humanity.

Beneath the callused hands of the man on the park bench are years of growth and love and harmony with uncertainty.

People rehearsing their swag to the rhythm of the heartbeat within the lives of the children

who understand the meaning of Living

beyond expectations.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

“Of all the things which wisdom acquires to produce the blessedness of the complete life far the greatest is the possession of Friendship.” -Epicurus

lucky

–adjective, luck·i·er, luck·i·est.

1.

having or marked by good luck; fortunate

2.

happening fortunately

3.

bringing or foretelling good luck, or supposed to do so.

It is not often I consider myself a lucky person. I don’t win raffles, i always find the penny face down, and even when i don’t walk under a ladder I seem to come in to contact with (sorta) near death experiences.

However I do consider myself lucky in the friendship department. Every time I talk to one of my friends, it’s like my heart does a little touch down dance, jazz hands and everything. It’s that moment where I know I did SOMETHING exactly right. I love calling them…or even better them calling me and just smiling cause I know they care, and laughing cause they understand what I’m saying without me even muttering a word.

 

I miss that feeling, I used to feel it everyday, and it became such a part of me, but I know in time it’ll come back, in time. You see I’m at this new stage, the one people come across every once in a blue moon (and the moon isn’t blue that often), where I’m making new friends, and losing some old ones. Now I know people tell me don’t worry everything will work itself out…but what I do best is worry. Actually the top two things I do best is worry and bake.

So now i sit at my lap top, eating a batch of brownies created by me (not the whole batch, just one piece) and I think to myself…..”wow, I’m lucky. I’m lucky to have and be making so many friends. I know eventually those I was close to may drift away, but hopefully they’ll remember me”

This post is for those of you, who are sitting here reading my words with your best friend beside you: hold onto them

This post if for those of you who find your self a little alone in the world right now: sometimes you have to be your best friend, and then they’ll come running like a bunch of college kids on break, for the homemade food in the kitchen.

This post is for those of you who just lost a best friend, no matter how it happened: you touched their lives.

This post is for those of you who are like me, stuck on a wooden bridge with lava underneath you, and a happy place on both sides: you can always build a better bridge and travel back and forth

Monday, July 12, 2010

“Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last” -Remy de Gourmont

I don’t know what is considered a first kiss. Cause I have far to many to count I believe. I think I was kissed in third grade by a kid who smelt like apples, I was kissed in eighth grade by a boy who liked my best friend, and was truly gross, and I was kissed by a boy who became a fantastic boyfriend. All of them were very, VERY different. To the point that I’m not sure some of them were even considered a kiss….more so like a handshake, or a wave hello to someone you don’t even like.

It’s that awkward moment there you can feel they don’t wear chapstick, and they’re breathing so heavy you look like you’re in a shampoo commercial with your hair blowing in the breeze, that you realize every first kiss with someone will always be the same. You stand so far apart that you lean in at a ninety degree angle, you’re not sure when to close your eyes cause you want to see when they close their eyes and eventually it’s a staring contest.

Sometimes when you really like a person and you go into kiss them, you part your lips….just a little to show you like what you’re doing and you’re ok with their move…then BAM you come into contact with a face that is kind of acting like a brick wall. It’s not pleasant, nor in anyway romantic.

Now I know I am only eighteen and if I’m lucky I’ll have my chance at tons of first kisses, but so far I can’t see how any of them would be any different. Every relationship starts (and sometimes ends) with a bad first kiss. It doesn’t happen like the movies show…hell my kisses three months into a relationship aren’t anything like the movies. The only possible way a kiss like that can happen is if
1. You’re kissing an actor.
2. you are an actor.
3. You’re making out with your TV as the notebook is playing.

Now just because I say that a first kiss is bad, doesn’t mean I haven’t enjoyed them all, sorta. You see there is a certain factor in a first kiss, the excitement, the wonder if this one will be better, or the sheer fact that the awkward kiss will be experienced with someone who is hhh-attractive (the point where you make sexual noises because they are so stinking hot!!).

So, enjoy your awkward first kiss, it’s a learning experience, it’s a personal connection that you share with that person…sometimes it’s even considered a person’s hobby :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

“There are all kinds of ways to forestall graduation. Taking a term off, getting suspended, not completing courses, all of these are valid.” Zonker

Mathematical equations,
roaring laughter.
crisp page,
watched clock.
Clicked pen,
new text,
packed up,
forty minutes,
three days,
final exams,
time wasted,
access granted,
straight a's,
not important,
signed yeaerbooks,
tears cried,
weekend parties,
highschool over,
life starting.

Monday, May 17, 2010

“Friendships are what our dreams are made of. We hold onto each other with its binding love. We stand close to each other, hand in hand, showing each

Stop.
Heart beat.
Clammy.
Insecure.
Past.
Forgotten.
Broken.
Lost.
Waiting.
Crying.
Remembering.
Our Song.
Broken Record.
Forgiveness.
Absent.
More tears.
Begin to shake.
Can't look you in the eye.
Too many words.
Not enough sentences.
Awkward smiles.
Embracing hugs.
What if's.
Not worth it.
Whose fault?
I'm Sorry.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

“I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.” -Tammy Faye Bakker

I love shopping! I love shopping for everything from shoes, to dresses, to rompers (It's a real word I promise), to curtains, to dish soap!

I really do love shopping. Because I think it releases endorphins- you know things that get released when you exercise to make you feel happy. i would like to think that shopping, releases those same happy hormones...because although i could get tight abs from working out, i can get pumps on sale for $10 dollars...and my feet will no longer feel fat.


But I also believe shopping is an art form, one that takes careful consideration. I believe each person has a different style of shopping technique that they apply to their adventures.

So now i shall share with everyone my style of shopping.

first and foremost...i have no plan. I walk into a store and look for a color that catches my eye, and then i find something that goes with it....or i find another piece in the same color, or i find something completely different, and then i hit the dressing room. Now my plan of attack in there is to throw clothes around the room while dancing to the music over the PA system till i find an item of clothing that accents my bodacious...personality.

Ok so maybe I don't have a beautiful plan of attack, but it works for me.

Friday, May 14, 2010

“Piping down the valleys wild, Piping songs of pleasant glee, On a cloud I saw a child.” -William Blake

I now feel the need to expand my writing in to one of my favorite topics...


There are tons of people who enjoy this show of "low" comedy, and an equal amount of those who hate the show with a fiery passion.

Truth is I have moments where the show is my world. As well as moments that I feel the need to cover my eyes from the disaster on the screen.

These reactions from the public, including myself, are expected. Have we not been a nation raised to express our emotions to the fullest, even if we must hurt others around us, doing the exact same thing we are.

In the words of a wise man...


"Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?"

We have lost the do good, caring, loving, respectful....ok who am I kidding....the majority of the population has never viewed the world, or treated the world as a place full of manners....but its true really!!!! This country is such a beautiful place, full of beautiful people.

When Glee came on I thought it would be the average, musical comedy show that already graced networks, but it turns out Glee is an uplifting, positive, real life explanation. I enjoy the show because it breathes and lives like me. There are episodes that connect to the care free, pants on the ground part of life, and there are episodes that understand sometimes crying is necessary.

If you've never watched Glee take the time to find an episode you like, one with music you connect to and watch it, learn to connect to emotion you always try to hide.

if you have watched Glee and found it wasn't for you...that's ok you are entitled to your opinion...just as the rest of the world.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

“That's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong, "

I was on face-book today and had one of the most...shocking, touching, possibly awakening conversations with my cousin two years younger than myself. I will be changing her name so she does not feel outed on the internet. Please disregard all spelling errors I am leaving the messages in the original format.

Me-hi i love you

Niccy-Thanks with the day i have been having, that means a lot.

Me-whats wrong :(:( im free tonight if you need me

Niccy- no i have a lot of things to do for school. Its just today i realized, almost everyone i know, has taken me for granted, i no longer exist o am worth the fight, cause at the end of the day when THEY ARE hurt, i am there... no matter who.. no matter what it is, i am there and they don't understand how easily i can walk away.

Me-i agree with you and you are an amazing person to realize that so soon in life
you can walk away...and sometimes you will but its not in your nature to be cold hearted and that's a good thing i know being there for others all the time is draining

Niccy-its just i make an effort to keep people in y life, i let them feel great and appreciated....WHENEVER i can. its just.. i know they care, but i don't think anyone is willing to fight for me when i will take a bullet for them....

Me-god kid you are so wise you'd be surprised how many will there when you fall...and if you don't see it...that's OK you aren't supposed to

Niccy-I know i am supposed to figure this out later in life, i know my mind works to fast sometimes i jump to conclusions, i mean i learned to not let my parents stand in the way of my happiness and success, shouldn't that happen when i am like 29? moved out of the house?

Me-yea but i think you decided to "move out" a long time ago

Niccy-not 15. and still in high school? seriously am i mute? or invisible, it has to be one of those!!! i swear!!

Me- no...its not that you're strong and secure and sometimes that's the equivalent to being non existent. you look like you don't need help...so people never ask but they should

Niccy- And ya i know, and in reality, i don't need help, i normally don't need someone to catch me when i fall, its just nice knowing more than one person can hear or see me.... that's all


Me-
i hear you.
i see you
i love you
i look up to you

Niccy- how can you look up to me? my life is a total tester.. i am rarely happy, rarely know where i want to go in life, and rarely have any motivation but myself....

Me-
i look up to you because you smile when you should cry, and laugh when you want to scream, you treat people with respect even if they treat you like dirt. you love with all of your heart, and you always give second chances.

i look up to you because you have fear of the unknown, yet you don't let it stop you. you rely on yourself to get you where you want, and no one could stop you.

i look up to you because although you are two years younger than me...you see life so much more clearly than i do

“To rid ourselves of our shadows - who we are - we must step into either total light or total darkness” -Jeremy Preston Johnson


I miss you…sometimes.
I lay in bed
The blanket resting upon the parts of me i gave to you.
But the blanket
feels cold around me.
I fall asleep
to the whirl of the fan rather
than the beat of your heart
against me.
I  close my eyes and
see
you smiling with so much love
for me.

Your tussled hair
your brilliant eyes
the roundness of your lips
and my heart still
flutters.
I’m so close
i can feel your hand on my cheek
I can hide my face in your shirt
I’m
so
close


And i smile
i smile as the tears cloud my vision of the
perfect you
I’ve created in my mind.
the you.
that would.
still love.
me.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” - Wayne Dyer

So here’s a status update on my life…the exciting thing that it is. Please realize that the previous statement was dripping with sarcasm. 

My last high school play is over. Meet me in St Louis I believe was a great success. I enjoyed my job for the show so much. You see, I had no real job…i did some hair, some makeup, and I dressed my friend into her costumes. Some times  I think I am making the wrong choice of pursuing acting and that I belong on the technical side of theatre, where the energy and rush is!!

And what else is new with me? I graduate in….18 DAYS!!! It is so close I can almost feel the cold air on the field and hear my name called. It’s weird to think that everything I’ve been working towards for the past twelve years is coming to an end.  But I know my life isn't;t over, that although I have enjoyed my life to this point, I have so much left to complete and experience.

My university of choice is ASU…Arizona State University. I am part of the honors college and was accepted into the theatre program. Plus I plan on double majoring. I am so excited to be challenged in a whole new aspect. I leave for college 5 weeks early to participate in a summer program . It is a wonderful thing to become part of a different community. I am looking forward to building new relationships, new friendships, and new goals. All I want in life has become accessible to me and I’m going to grab life by the horns!!!

Sorry there hasn’t been a post in so long…production week tends to suck up all of my time…Happy mothers day to all you beautiful people that read my blog.

I know I happen to be all over the place in this piece but there seems to be a lot on my mind. my body is really showing a difference in all the weight I have lost. I am down 22lbs and I feel amazing!!! I start my diet again in a month and I looking forward to it. I go back to ZUMBA tomorrow and i am looking forward to it. A week off made me feel very lazy.

I’m also thinking of using this blog to post some of my writing so people can comment and lend some advice.

As for now that’s all I have to say… I think my multiple paragraphs of me rambling should be slightly entertaining for a couple of seconds.

Have a good night!!!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

“All my life I've looked at words as though I were seeing them for the first time.”-Ernest Hemingway

This is my very first night as a blogger…weird I know. You know I’m not sure anyone will read my blogs or find me entertaining, but I am going to write anyway. See cause here’s the thing, I am what my blog says I am, the average student. I graduate in 25 days, and then I’m off to college. It’ll be my time to say “Hello world! Here i am ready for you to throw me to the ground and walk all over me while I dump thousands into my future!! and i can’t wait!!” It’s not really scary, it’s just…happening. Life is happening. And I am looking forward to life. I know I am new to all of this and I’m not quite sure what this blog will be about, maybe homework tips, outfit ideas to wear on dates, the absence of love in my life, the usual teenage girl’s life ending disasters and maybe I’ll find someone that will view the world through the same rose colored glasses. So here I am world…Anna-Tanna has Spoken.