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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 99

Today went to shit.

Diet: I did great at lunch but it was our faculty dinner tonight for the school of theatre and I ate way too much and of really bad stuff. Tomorrow is another day though.

Exercise: I didn't get to because homework had to come first. I will do yoga in the morning though before class and my shower and my homework. There is a new day awaiting me.

Emotional: I can either hate myself for breaking the second day or I can realize I made a mistake and learn from it...all I feel is disappointment for myself and I don't want to feel that anymore. Time to step up my game.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Day 100 Pictures

Day 100

So the set up for this will go as such...I will tell you about my "Diet", exercise, and then emotional work that I went through for the day.


I had some struggles this morning with the food I was eating. I know it is a process so I cannot be too hard on my self right now. My goal is to eat clean for 100 days that means no fried food, no heavy oils or starches, and no sweets. I know that last one will be the hardest to beat but I have faith. The staff team that I work for here went to Ihop this morning/afternoon and I broke and had pancakes...I ate the eggs too and my portion was much smaller than normal. Then for dinner I had carrots, celery, a stirfry of veggies and spinach and fruit. I felt full and light, which is better than my normal bloated feeling I get after eating in the dining hall. I need to increase my water intake since one I live in Arizona and it's hot, but two water flushes crud out of your body. I like water so it shouldn't be hard.

EXERCISE: So today I wanted to go to the gym but never had time. Instead of using it as an excuse though I decided to do some cardio in my room tonight. It wasn't a lot and there is a really good reason for it. I am having a lot of back much that my doctor wants me to go to physical therapy, I did not notice how much it was limiting my movement till I tried to move. I finished my day with a 37 minute yoga video that deals with pain. YOGA TO GET RID OF PAIN. It hurt A LOT but I know if I stick with it the pain will leave and my range of movement will approve. I will now end every day with the yoga routine that way the pain will go away. Tomorrow I want to get over to the gym and elliptical for about an hour just to feel like I can move again. I do not want to start lifting any weights until I stop worrying about my back.

EMOTIONAL/MENTAL: This is the hardest part. I am fighting myself. I have years of bad habits built up and I can't expect to break them down in one day. I need time to rebuild myself and the good in me. I used to be a dancer and a softball player. I was flexible and moved a lot. I wasn't a fat kid...well I was but I was an active fat kid. I know I can do this. I have to break out of this. It hurts to see how weak I have let myself become. I don't want to die at an early age. I 'm not even 20 yet and I have chronic pain that I know my weight has contributed to. I have to beat this. And I want to put this there now YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO DO THIS. I know along the way I am going to feel that I have not gained anything and that I have to stop and I can't do this, so I am putting it out there now to remind myself that I have to do this and I want to be stronger and I can't keep pretending that I am skinny and strong and healthy...because I am not. Not yet at least.

The Day before day 100

I still have this blog, I know I never write, I am awful at blogging, I am also awful at self control and losing weight. So since I suck at all three of these things I am going to mash them into one and change my world in 100 days.

For the next 100 days I am blogging every day, eating clean, working out, and reshaping my life. I feel like the reason I never succeed in my weight loss battles is because I never hold my self accountable. I don;t tell anyone and so I am able to give in and continue my path of a better tomorrow that never comes.

Even though I have no idea who reads this, or if anyone least it is a way to keep track of what I do and hold myself accountable. Tonight is my last night before my 100 day challenge, I will start off with listing my beginning weight, some pictures of myself and what I want out of this experience.

Every day I will post how I feel about myself, work on my confidence, and let you know my great tidbits. Once a week (Sundays) I will weigh in and post a new picture. Then once a month I will set a new goal for myself and create a progress chart.

Here goes nothing...Ready. Set. Create a better me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

My last night

Sometimes your heart hurts, cause you know you're giving up something you really want. It's for the best though right? It's always for the best. Part of me is glad that school is over because I want to run away from everyone just run and run and then actually start running rather than walking. The other part of me wants to stay here though and take chances.

Taking chances. That's really something I need to work on. I stop myself A LOT from doing things that I could benefit from, or at least learn from. Maybe I wouldn't get anything out of those chances at all, but I'll never know.

There are some chances though that I just can't risk, because friendship means more to me than romance. And I'm not ready. I'm just not ready to make that move. This isn't like taking off a band-aid. I have to do this slowly, to protect myself.

My room is packed (sorta, not well) and here I am in a place I called home for 9 months. I look around and I think wow, these walls now hold the stories of a big part of my life...I can't take back the choices I've made, and it's a feeling of accomplishment. I did a lot for myself, and that just means I have 3 more years to do it all over again. I do feel like crying tonight though, happy and sad tears.

Close to a year ago, I was graduating high school, time flies.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Silly Games We Play

I hate, may I repeat, HATE the games people play with each other. People are people, humans, and they have feelings...ok not all of them but most of the ones I have come across do. And the truth is, we treat people so horribly. "PSH not me" you say. And maybe you don't, intentionally. I would like to think I don't either. But sadly I do.

We lie, all the time, to our family, our teachers, our friends, our loved ones, ourselves. We tell people we are sick cause we don't want to make the time to see them, we tell teachers our computers crash cause didn't do our homework, we tell loved ones we're fine when really Niagara falls is about to come out of our eyes, we tell our friends they look great in that outfit cause we don't want to be percieved as hateful, we tell ourselves we are ugly cause we don't want to admit people might be right when they call us beautiful.

We cheat. At board games, on papers, on tests. We cheat cause we don't want to put in the work we know is necessary to be great. Yes, we understand how difficult the whatever-it-is is, but that doesn't mean we have to do all of that work. The truth is when you cheat, you really don't hinder anyone but ourselves. We hold us back by not letting ourselves try and fail until we succeed.

We criticize. We look in the mirror and pick ourselves apart, we look at others and undermine them with our words. We say teachers suck when really there was a miss understanding, we criticize food when we should be thankful we can eat, we criticize beliefs because they contradict our own. And for what?

We steal guys from friends, information from websites, food from the dining hall, a candy bar from the convince store, most importantly we steal people's trust and then misuse it.

There are little things we do everyday that negatively impacts ourselves or someone else. No one is perfect, that is not expected, But take some time to promote positivity. No more hate games, no more separation, no more unnecessary actions. Spend the day being a better you, people will notice.

Friday, April 1, 2011


Lately I haven't been sleeping well, at all. And it is awful cause I do not understand why. I will lie down and in my mind be like "Oh yea totally going to sleep for 7 hours and love it. Today has been so long and I'm tired!!" and then 5 hours later I'm still laying there, begging my body to let me sleep. But sadly nothing, although tonight seems to be promising. But my lack of shut eye is not why I am writing, That would be lame.

I am writing cause something said to me today really threw me off. Today, a friend said I don't seem happy lately. And I thought about it and I realized, I don't know what the hell they were talking about, I am happy. So I reply "I'm ecstatic, I haven't been this happy in a long time" To which they reply "Well I haven't seen you be happy in a really long time, I don't think you are"

This evening I proceeded to laugh harder than I have in a very long time, and it made me think of the other night that I laughed harder than I have in a very long time, which in turn made me think of that OTHER night that I laughed harder than I have in a very long time. You get the idea. I've been doing a lot of laughing and smiling lately.

So this is the conclusion I have come to at the end of the day: and brace yourself its a profound conclusion.

I can't sleep. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. And sometimes if you feel like people aren't happy anymore, maybe you just aren't making them laugh like you used to.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

My Style

I don't play games, I understand what you mean because I listen, I appreciate your friendship and give you mine in return, I don't like crying for attention, I flirt for me not you, If you think I'm just another girl I'm not.

You know the whole year I have been up at ASU I have yet to meet someone I would even remotely consider dating. I know seems impossible right?? There are close to 40,000 people on campus everyday and I can;t find one. The truth is, even though there are so many people, I feel like I see the same guys every day. Really, they look the same, study the same things, have the same friends, use the same language, are in the same frat, treat women and sex the same way.

And although some of these guys are a little attractive, they just aren't cutting it. I like brains, and wit, and charm. I want a guy that holds his own and laughs at himself as much as I expect him to laugh at me. I want a guy who KNOWS he is good at something yet never gloats. I don't really care how you look, I don't have a set type. But tall is nice. You know at this point I am ready to throw all the qualities I like out the window just to find a guy that is up for more than a good screw.

I am not looking for happy ever after, I have my own life to live and my own goals to reach. I'm not going to treat you like you're the king of the world and I can't go on with out you, but I will let you know that I think of you through out my day, and I enjoy being with you. I won't put out on the third date, or the seventh, really not at all. I'm good with parents, and you're friends will like me cause I understand how important sports are.

I know, these are things you have heard girls say time and time again and then they end up being crazy as all hell and try to break into your house just to see you sleeping. I'm not like that.

I know I am unique and good for someone out there, and I will continue to be myself until the right guy finds me pretty snazzy the way I am.

But I just thought I would share my style when it came to guys, and spread the word of being 150% yourself with a dude/dudette. There is no reason to live a lie when someone was looking for the truth.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I am back!

So I know, I suck at writing my blog. I really really suck. And for a long time I stopped because I felt like no one was reading my words. Then I felt that I didn't need to write here because I was feeling ok. And now, NOW after everything I have come to realize that I never ran out of things to say and I wasn't upset because no one was reading. I just wasn't appreciating my work. And although I have been doing morning pages (I will explain these later) My writing is different and I need to put it out there I mean really out there so it is no longer a part of me, so I can look at it and make decisions.

Update time. So since it has been so long since I have written here I guess I should update my blog. I am almost done with my first year in college. I don't know where the time went but man, I wish I wasn't so close to finishing. There is so much I didn't get to do. Gosh but what a wonderful year.
And I did stick to some of my New Year's plans. I did read more...a lot more, and I opened myself up to more possibilities, none of those being love of course, but that is a story for a different post. I am working out much more, although I'm not really losing weight I do feel happy. This summer I plan on remaking myself, now that I have an inner beauty that I like I feel comfortable with altering the outer side of me. And I did audition for shows, I even got into one.

Sorry for all the unnecessary information. I know that is not why you read my blog. You all read my blog because I place life explorations out there in layman's terms with a side dish of wit. But updating you about me is important to me. If you don't know who I am what reasons do you have to read what I write.

So here is my blog. Slowly coming back to life. I am sure I will be able to think of a lot of stories and revelations I've had to put up here.

Stay tuned :)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

“Hopefully my experience can help a little bit. I'm just a small piece of the puzzle.” Ed Jovanovski

The world is a very large place. It existed before our arrival, and hopefully will continue on past our existence. There is a lot to learn from what is around us...but sometimes you learn even more by looking at what is right in your own front yard.

My post today will be very short, since 1) I didn't do much to inspire me today, and 2) I'm really tired. But none the less, it is a post!!

I am one small person in retrospect to everything around me. I have not found a cure for a disease, I have not solved a math problem unknown to man, I haven't done anything profound or extraordinary. But I have done my part.

There is more to contentment then self satisfaction. Sometimes the best feelings come from what you are able to do for others. So if your mom asks you to clean house, don't whine, just do it and know how much you are helping her out. And your uncle needs help at his business, don't lie and say your busy, go and do it and know that you made his day just a tad bit easier. There are so many things we can do for others...and the favor will be returned.

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” -Elie Wiesel

Todays blog will not be very philosophical, nor will it completely reshape your frame of mind...but it will allow you to consider the important people in your life.

Yes, of course you love your family (most likely) and you understand the influence they have on your choices. You know they have your back, and want you to do well in life. This is not new to you...

And neither is the fact that your friends are what help you get through the day. I am not telling anything you don't already least I hope not. See I spent the WHOLE day with one of my best friends, and the greater part of an evening with another. No matter how many times I'm with them; whether we almost get thrown out of stores, cause a riot in parking lots, or fall asleep to movies, I feel better about myself, and the choices that I've made.

There are not many people I am able to sit in the middle of a movie rental store and read the backs of porno's with. There are not many people that I am able to discuss the idea of identification-biological-sexual preference with inside of Chipotle at closing time. There are not many people that I am able to check out the butt's of older (by older I would like to clarify, that these men are not in there 40's, or even 30's...I think...and they are really attractive) men with while not caring if people see. What I'm r=trying to say is, there are not many people that I am able to fully enjoy my time with ALL THE TIME...but I'm glad that I have found the ones that enjoy me as much as I enjoy them. (I know they enjoy me cause they keep coming back for more!!)

So I would like all of you to take the time to cherish the bonds you have created with people. Whether you have known your friends for 3 years, 5 years, 9 years, 4 months, or 2 days, know that there is something unique to your relationship...and that can't be found anywhere else.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"My hands are made to hold you tight, my legs are made to help you sit while I stand, my lips are made to kiss you and my heart is made to beat for you." -Shyam Sundar

Such a simple gesture can mean so much to someone. It is more than just a symbol of commitment to a partner; it represents dedication, love, strength, hope, friendship, belief, eternity, goodbye.

Holding hands is something that you never really give a second thought to. As a child you hold your parent's to cross the street, when you get a little older its what you do to signify a relationship, and unfortunately many are faced with holding the hand of a loved one when they pass. So why do we never really consider what we mean by holding hands? Think about the last time you held someone's hand...what did you feel? What were you hoping they would feel?

During the early stages of dating there is such a build up to getting the person you are interested in to hold your hand. At a date at the movies, you both sit nervously in your chairs, both of your arms crossed across the front of your body in order to not accidentally touch the other person. But pay attention to what happens through out the movie. Slowly, your hands find a way to dangle off your knee or the arm rest between you. And not only does your hand dangle, no-no, it dangles very close to the other persons hand, sometimes you find that your pinkey even needs to stretch 40 times in a row. Now if the person feels the same way about you, they'll pick up on the hand signals (no pun intended) and slightly side there fingers in between yours. At that moment there isn't a greater feeling...its as if your hands were meant for each other....the entire movie theater could be blowing up final destination style and you would never even notice.

During a person's last few breaths, its hard to be a constant support. You normally can't lay beside them like you want to because the beds are so small, you can't hug them because they are so fragile, there are no words to express your feelings and unconquerable love you feel, so you grab their hand...and there is always a slight warmth coming from it, a heat that can't be explained, only experienced. For that person, to fragile to tell you how much they love you and how much better you made their life, a slight squeeze says it all.

These moments are made by the simplest gesture, yet we walk through life focused on the big displays. There is nothing that can change how important holding someones hand important having your hand held is. Take the time to appreciate the little things. Realize the power of simplicity.

Monday, January 3, 2011

“I think a little bit of it is that we ran out of gas. I think a lot of it is that we're still a work in progress. -- and we're right on track. There's still some things that need to be done.” Bill Schreier

My best friend called me today, naturally the call was I missed it (me and my timing). Any-who...she was calling to tell me she had ran out of gas...literally, and was now sitting in the parking lot of a local movie rental watching a drug deal/threesome go down. Luckily even though I suck at answering my phone when it's necessary, her mom was able to rescue her.

Now this got me thinking, not about the fuel costs, hybrid cars, or this got me thinking about myself, and a lot of other college/high school/working people.

We run out of gas.

And I don't mean literally, I mean metaphorically...we run out of gas.

Every person, well at least I think every person, has had that moment where they have to admit that they can no longer do their everyday activities.

That person realizes they can no longer wake up at 5 am, run 2 miles, clean the house, send the kids off to school, go to work, run errands, get home in time to make dinner for the family, help with homework, finish a presentation for the next day, and then go to sleep at 12...just to do it all over again.

Or maybe that person realizes that they have written over twenty essays this semester, and they can no longer remember how to type on a keyboard, or do they ever want to.

Or maybe that person realizes they can't fill out any more scholarships for college because no matter how awesome they make themselves sound, they aren't smart enough, enriched enough, or poor enough.

Or maybe that person realizes that they can no longer fight for their country, because they have a family back home they haven't seen in three years, and they cannot deal with pulling that trigger one more time.

We run out of gas, we all get to a point where the world is too much, and a constant headache forms in the back of our skull and just. won't. go. away. Everyone experiences a moment where they just want to lay down, take a nap, and not feel that they have done so much, but have so much more to do.

All I have to say is STOP! Stop everything you are doing and lay down on the ground (really I mean this) Lay down on the ground and feel yourself become one with the world around you, close your eyes, BREATHE, realize that what you do is helping someone, whether it be you or another, realize that all of your work will pay off in the end, but most importantly realize that your well being is more important than a project.

Sometimes we need to slow down in life. Take a moment to readjust ourselves to the pressures we have weighing us down. If you've run out of gas...don't worry there is gas station in your future...and it's ok to have someone help you refuel.

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.” Josh Groban

I love singing, but I'm bad at it. I scare myself in the shower, I can't sing while I drive because I distract myself, and I can't sing at Karaoke bars cause I blow out the amps. However, I love singing...LOVE singing...and I've decided that since I love it I'm going to do it whenever I in the Target parking lot, the produce section of Super Wal-Mart, or while vacuuming my living room.

This really has nothing to do with singing, I mean it does for me, but it won't for everyone else, unless you too feel that you are horrible at singing, yet enjoy it.

This has to do with doing what you enjoy, without letting others tell you, "hey dude, you suck! Stop before I kill you!!" Everyone your entire life has told you what you suck at, maybe not upfront...but they snuck it in with the "you are sooo good at knitting, stick to that instead of puzzles" or the "wowww I'm so glad you tried skydiving...glad you got that out of your system."

Now the next time somebody sneaks in the you're no good at this or that line simply say "piss off! I enjoy myself, and even if that means I scare away half of New York with my version of Don't stop Belivin' then so be it...cause I DESERVE to be happy"

So go ahead, indulge in an activity that either you, your aunt, or your neighbor's dog thinks you suck at, because in the end you'll have a smile on your face, and you won't ever live with the regret of never taking that chance.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

“A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see that special guy in an elevator and he is fat and smoking and saying 'Long time no see'” Phyllis Batelle

New Years normally brings around the resolution to lose weight, for probably close to half of America. Gym memberships will be made, unhealthy foods will be thrown out, weight loss commitments will take action across the nation. But we all know the sad story of defeat that ends people's high hopes for a better them. Half way through the year, the month, the week, the day, a little part of you says, "it's so hard to get fit, I'll never look the way I want to, What's the point if I'll gain it all back, I'm happy fat, It's not like anyone will see me differently, I can't do it." This little voice in your head has beat you out every year so far, and it's time things change.

I am by no definition skinny. It's true...I do not look like Megan Fox, Victoria Beckham, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Hillary Duff, Emma Watson, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Cameron Diaz, or Gisele Bundchen. I do not fit into a size 2 dress, nor am I able to wear a bikini.

However, I'd rather wear an over sized Poncho, and a larger size of pants in order to eat a Twinkie without hating myself. Now I'm not saying I want to be fat for the rest of my life, that is not true at all. I do want to be healthy, be able to run when I want to, wear sexy heels that don't make my calves look even bigger, and turn heads.

In order to lose weight, and still feel that I like myself I have taken on a different type of methodology other then self loathing. Are you ready??

Wight Loss starts with self respect. This is so important I'm going to say it again...WEIGHT LOSS STARTS WITH SELF RESPECT. If you look at yourself in the mirror and cannot see one thing that you like about yourself, then you aren't looking at the right reflection. You have to want to lose weight because you see something special in yourself that you want everybody else to see too. It is the feeling that you are worth the best that fuels your weight loss, that feeling allows you to stick to all of the plans that you have made for yourself.

You ARE worth losing weight for, you are worth the long hours at the gym, the soreness you feel in the morning, and that hunk of chicken with out all of the butter.

So as I start the new year, I'm trying to be healthier; eat good food, exercise a little more, and most importantly see myself in a positive light and know that I do deserve to treat myself as worthy of a little positive change. I challenge all of you who stumble across this post, to go look in the mirror and find what you like most about yourself, and then remember that moment for the rest of the year as you work to make a better you. This is a place if you wish to, that you may share your hard times and accomplishments, I will strive to open myself up to all of you as well.