I am back!

So I know, I suck at writing my blog. I really really suck. And for a long time I stopped because I felt like no one was reading my words. Then I felt that I didn't need to write here because I was feeling ok. And now, NOW after everything I have come to realize that I never ran out of things to say and I wasn't upset because no one was reading. I just wasn't appreciating my work. And although I have been doing morning pages (I will explain these later) My writing is different and I need to put it out there I mean really out there so it is no longer a part of me, so I can look at it and make decisions.

Update time. So since it has been so long since I have written here I guess I should update my blog. I am almost done with my first year in college. I don't know where the time went but man, I wish I wasn't so close to finishing. There is so much I didn't get to do. Gosh but what a wonderful year.
And I did stick to some of my New Year's plans. I did read more...a lot more, and I opened myself up to more possibilities, none of those being love of course, but that is a story for a different post. I am working out much more, although I'm not really losing weight I do feel happy. This summer I plan on remaking myself, now that I have an inner beauty that I like I feel comfortable with altering the outer side of me. And I did audition for shows, I even got into one.

Sorry for all the unnecessary information. I know that is not why you read my blog. You all read my blog because I place life explorations out there in layman's terms with a side dish of wit. But updating you about me is important to me. If you don't know who I am what reasons do you have to read what I write.

So here is my blog. Slowly coming back to life. I am sure I will be able to think of a lot of stories and revelations I've had to put up here.

Stay tuned :)

“Hopefully my experience can help a little bit. I'm just a small piece of the puzzle.” Ed Jovanovski

The world is a very large place. It existed before our arrival, and hopefully will continue on past our existence. There is a lot to learn from what is around us...but sometimes you learn even more by looking at what is right in your own front yard.

My post today will be very short, since 1) I didn't do much to inspire me today, and 2) I'm really tired. But none the less, it is a post!!

I am one small person in retrospect to everything around me. I have not found a cure for a disease, I have not solved a math problem unknown to man, I haven't done anything profound or extraordinary. But I have done my part.

There is more to contentment then self satisfaction. Sometimes the best feelings come from what you are able to do for others. So if your mom asks you to clean house, don't whine, just do it and know how much you are helping her out. And your uncle needs help at his business, don't lie and say your busy, go and do it and know that you made his day just a tad bit easier. There are so many things we can do for others...and the favor will be returned.

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” -Elie Wiesel

Todays blog will not be very philosophical, nor will it completely reshape your frame of mind...but it will allow you to consider the important people in your life.

Yes, of course you love your family (most likely) and you understand the influence they have on your choices. You know they have your back, and want you to do well in life. This is not new to you...

And neither is the fact that your friends are what help you get through the day. I am not telling anything you don't already know...at least I hope not. See I spent the WHOLE day with one of my best friends, and the greater part of an evening with another. No matter how many times I'm with them; whether we almost get thrown out of stores, cause a riot in parking lots, or fall asleep to movies, I feel better about myself, and the choices that I've made.

There are not many people I am able to sit in the middle of a movie rental store and read the backs of porno's with. There are not many people that I am able to discuss the idea of identification-biological-sexual preference with inside of Chipotle at closing time. There are not many people that I am able to check out the butt's of older (by older I would like to clarify, that these men are not in there 40's, or even 30's...I think...and they are really attractive) men with while not caring if people see. What I'm r=trying to say is, there are not many people that I am able to fully enjoy my time with ALL THE TIME...but I'm glad that I have found the ones that enjoy me as much as I enjoy them. (I know they enjoy me cause they keep coming back for more!!)

So I would like all of you to take the time to cherish the bonds you have created with people. Whether you have known your friends for 3 years, 5 years, 9 years, 4 months, or 2 days, know that there is something unique to your relationship...and that can't be found anywhere else.

"My hands are made to hold you tight, my legs are made to help you sit while I stand, my lips are made to kiss you and my heart is made to beat for you." -Shyam Sundar

Such a simple gesture can mean so much to someone. It is more than just a symbol of commitment to a partner; it represents dedication, love, strength, hope, friendship, belief, eternity, goodbye.

Holding hands is something that you never really give a second thought to. As a child you hold your parent's to cross the street, when you get a little older its what you do to signify a relationship, and unfortunately many are faced with holding the hand of a loved one when they pass. So why do we never really consider what we mean by holding hands? Think about the last time you held someone's hand...what did you feel? What were you hoping they would feel?

During the early stages of dating there is such a build up to getting the person you are interested in to hold your hand. At a date at the movies, you both sit nervously in your chairs, both of your arms crossed across the front of your body in order to not accidentally touch the other person. But pay attention to what happens through out the movie. Slowly, your hands find a way to dangle off your knee or the arm rest between you. And not only does your hand dangle, no-no, it dangles very close to the other persons hand, sometimes you find that your pinkey even needs to stretch 40 times in a row. Now if the person feels the same way about you, they'll pick up on the hand signals (no pun intended) and slightly side there fingers in between yours. At that moment there isn't a greater feeling...its as if your hands were meant for each other....the entire movie theater could be blowing up final destination style and you would never even notice.

During a person's last few breaths, its hard to be a constant support. You normally can't lay beside them like you want to because the beds are so small, you can't hug them because they are so fragile, there are no words to express your feelings and unconquerable love you feel, so you grab their hand...and there is always a slight warmth coming from it, a heat that can't be explained, only experienced. For that person, to fragile to tell you how much they love you and how much better you made their life, a slight squeeze says it all.

These moments are made by the simplest gesture, yet we walk through life focused on the big displays. There is nothing that can change how important holding someones hand is...how important having your hand held is. Take the time to appreciate the little things. Realize the power of simplicity.

“I think a little bit of it is that we ran out of gas. I think a lot of it is that we're still a work in progress. -- and we're right on track. There's still some things that need to be done.” Bill Schreier

My best friend called me today, naturally the call was important...so I missed it (me and my timing). Any-who...she was calling to tell me she had ran out of gas...literally, and was now sitting in the parking lot of a local movie rental watching a drug deal/threesome go down. Luckily even though I suck at answering my phone when it's necessary, her mom was able to rescue her.

Now this got me thinking, not about the fuel costs, hybrid cars, or China...no-no this got me thinking about myself, and a lot of other college/high school/working people.

We run out of gas.

And I don't mean literally, I mean metaphorically...we run out of gas.

Every person, well at least I think every person, has had that moment where they have to admit that they can no longer do their everyday activities.

That person realizes they can no longer wake up at 5 am, run 2 miles, clean the house, send the kids off to school, go to work, run errands, get home in time to make dinner for the family, help with homework, finish a presentation for the next day, and then go to sleep at 12...just to do it all over again.

Or maybe that person realizes that they have written over twenty essays this semester, and they can no longer remember how to type on a keyboard, or do they ever want to.

Or maybe that person realizes they can't fill out any more scholarships for college because no matter how awesome they make themselves sound, they aren't smart enough, enriched enough, or poor enough.

Or maybe that person realizes that they can no longer fight for their country, because they have a family back home they haven't seen in three years, and they cannot deal with pulling that trigger one more time.

We run out of gas, we all get to a point where the world is too much, and a constant headache forms in the back of our skull and just. won't. go. away. Everyone experiences a moment where they just want to lay down, take a nap, and not feel that they have done so much, but have so much more to do.

All I have to say is STOP! Stop everything you are doing and lay down on the ground (really I mean this) Lay down on the ground and feel yourself become one with the world around you, close your eyes, BREATHE, realize that what you do is helping someone, whether it be you or another, realize that all of your work will pay off in the end, but most importantly realize that your well being is more important than a project.

Sometimes we need to slow down in life. Take a moment to readjust ourselves to the pressures we have weighing us down. If you've run out of gas...don't worry there is gas station in your future...and it's ok to have someone help you refuel.

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.” Josh Groban

I love singing, but I'm bad at it. I scare myself in the shower, I can't sing while I drive because I distract myself, and I can't sing at Karaoke bars cause I blow out the amps. However, I love singing...LOVE singing...and I've decided that since I love it I'm going to do it whenever I want...like in the Target parking lot, the produce section of Super Wal-Mart, or while vacuuming my living room.

This really has nothing to do with singing, I mean it does for me, but it won't for everyone else, unless you too feel that you are horrible at singing, yet enjoy it.

This has to do with doing what you enjoy, without letting others tell you, "hey dude, you suck! Stop before I kill you!!" Everyone your entire life has told you what you suck at, maybe not upfront...but they snuck it in with the "you are sooo good at knitting, stick to that instead of puzzles" or the "wowww I'm so glad you tried skydiving...glad you got that out of your system."

Now the next time somebody sneaks in the you're no good at this or that line simply say "piss off! I enjoy myself, and even if that means I scare away half of New York with my version of Don't stop Belivin' then so be it...cause I DESERVE to be happy"

So go ahead, indulge in an activity that either you, your aunt, or your neighbor's dog thinks you suck at, because in the end you'll have a smile on your face, and you won't ever live with the regret of never taking that chance.

“A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see that special guy in an elevator and he is fat and smoking and saying 'Long time no see'” Phyllis Batelle

New Years normally brings around the resolution to lose weight, for probably close to half of America. Gym memberships will be made, unhealthy foods will be thrown out, weight loss commitments will take action across the nation. But we all know the sad story of defeat that ends people's high hopes for a better them. Half way through the year, the month, the week, the day, a little part of you says, "it's so hard to get fit, I'll never look the way I want to, What's the point if I'll gain it all back, I'm happy fat, It's not like anyone will see me differently, I can't do it." This little voice in your head has beat you out every year so far, and it's time things change.

I am by no definition skinny. It's true...I do not look like Megan Fox, Victoria Beckham, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Hillary Duff, Emma Watson, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Cameron Diaz, or Gisele Bundchen. I do not fit into a size 2 dress, nor am I able to wear a bikini.

However, I'd rather wear an over sized Poncho, and a larger size of pants in order to eat a Twinkie without hating myself. Now I'm not saying I want to be fat for the rest of my life, that is not true at all. I do want to be healthy, be able to run when I want to, wear sexy heels that don't make my calves look even bigger, and turn heads.

In order to lose weight, and still feel that I like myself I have taken on a different type of methodology other then self loathing. Are you ready??

Wight Loss starts with self respect. This is so important I'm going to say it again...WEIGHT LOSS STARTS WITH SELF RESPECT. If you look at yourself in the mirror and cannot see one thing that you like about yourself, then you aren't looking at the right reflection. You have to want to lose weight because you see something special in yourself that you want everybody else to see too. It is the feeling that you are worth the best that fuels your weight loss, that feeling allows you to stick to all of the plans that you have made for yourself.

You ARE worth losing weight for, you are worth the long hours at the gym, the soreness you feel in the morning, and that hunk of chicken with out all of the butter.

So as I start the new year, I'm trying to be healthier; eat good food, exercise a little more, and most importantly see myself in a positive light and know that I do deserve to treat myself as worthy of a little positive change. I challenge all of you who stumble across this post, to go look in the mirror and find what you like most about yourself, and then remember that moment for the rest of the year as you work to make a better you. This is a place if you wish to, that you may share your hard times and accomplishments, I will strive to open myself up to all of you as well.

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.” Edith Lovejoy Pierce

It is going to be the end of the year tomorrow...and the beginning of another. Hopefully everyone will say good bye to 2010 with out to many tears in their eyes, and look forward to 2011 with faith and optimism in their hearts. A lot comes and goes with the new year, out goes old loves, lost friendships, passed opportunities, regretted decisions; while we carry with us lessons learned, passions created, memories made, wishes granted, rewards gained. As everyone begins listing their expectations for 2011, I can't seem to bring myself to consider what i want out of 2011. Every year I ask for the same thing; recognition for my work, appreciation for my friendship, a burning love for someone out there, the ability to stay true to myself, self control...and every year I find that those things come from going through the hard times first. I can't just HOPE all goes my way, I HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. So this year my plan is...to stop anticipating change...and change things myself. If I keep waiting I miss out on so much. It's time to go with the flow, accept the offers that come, work towards being a better me. It's time to release Anna 100%. No more being fearful of what others think, being fearful of the future, being fearful of what I think. There are some things that have to start inside yourself...and this year my NEW YEAR starts in me.

I am going to try to do somethings better though...like read books more often, audition for shows, make friends, connect deeper with loved ones, and be more faithful to my blog.

Happy New Years Everyone, make something out of it.

Taking the Initiative

Life sometimes deals you cards, that you really just should toss to the side. I know, you feel wrong, like every opportunity should be taken and followed through. You want to push to get the best out of every experience, and sometimes giving up just doesn't seem like an option. But what if the best option is not doing anything at all...letting something just slide by you.

For example, a sexy man...named Roberto in this story,or if you are a dude reading this her name can be Bridgette...walks into your life. S/He flirts, s/he touches, s/he winks in your general direction, you return the gestures of interest in hope that Roberto (Bridgette) will one day carry you into the room and make you scream his/her name. But that never happens, because Roberto (Bridgette) is shy, and can't make a move to save his/her life. So your initial reaction is to chase after Roberto (Bridgette), make sure you finish what s/he started and was unable to carry through. Let me just say that this move is not always the wisest.

However!!! If Roberto (Bridgette) is a top ten hunk/babe of muscle then please don't let him/her slip out of your fingers, hold on to him/her, chase his/her sexy ass in circles until s/hes too tired to run away.

But if you can realized s/hes not your type, not your norm, and you were just looking for someone to pass the time--stop and think it through. Chasing after him/her might make you someone you're not, and what do you get from it? Either an emotionless hook up, or a cracked heart. But walking away can hold so much more for you....walking away means you know more about yourself. You're strong, and independent, you have poise and priorities...and then when Roberto (Bridgette) wants you again after you move on...you'll be able to smirk and walk away knowing that S/HE missed out on a great opportunity...not you.

Exploitation of Intelligence

Intelligence should not be tested, it should not be measured, and it should not be graded. Intelligence is an individual's ability to think in a certain light, that differs from another thought process. My intelligence lies within other realms than that of my classmate next to me, and that's ok. While he sits and thinks of worldly problems, rain drops, and cake...I ponder the ideas of self concept, cardigans, zumba, and sexual frustration. Although our ideas and thoughts differ, it does not mean one of us has a higher intelligence level than the other. It DOES NOT mean he is smarter than me, or the other way around.

I hope one day, everyone will respect their intelligence. If you say that already exists, look around you...do you see the girl that says "I don't know" every time she speaks her mind, how about the man who mumbles his opinion in class, or the sorority girl that considers her self a dumb blond. They don't respect their own intelligence, because others have constantly told them different. They had a teacher that didn't respect their own individual thoughts. Maybe they turned in paper after paper, and instead of receiving constructive criticism their teacher only told them they were wrong. I want everyone to respect their mind, believe in the power that they can become something bigger, or do something bigger, or believe in something bigger.

I guess learning to embody one's intelligence is hard thing to do. When you're told for so long that you aren't smart, you aren't thinking correctly, you aren't worth your intelligence...you begin to believe it. Take the time to listen to someone, and really experience the way they talk, the words they use, the passion behind their thoughts. Their passion for everything they feel and think, the way they are able to convey who they are, is an invitation for self discovery as well. When you accept a person for all that they are, you too begin to accept yourself. This self acceptance will then fuel the revolt against pity and hatred and disgust in the world. Start the change within yourself, become who you are without worrying that others won't accept you. Your intelligence matters. It is important, and you must feel your words are worth saying.