“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” -Colin Raye

The world is at my fingertips

Reaching grasping hoping

no longer waiting to exist, but merely existing to wait.

With my eyes to the sky

And my head in the clouds.

Angels whisper of the coming of the kingdom to those who make the effort of understanding.

I question my intentions with you standing by me

expecting to Hear the I love you of your life Time

Only to be left with an empty coffee cup.

The grounds at the bottom staring into the face of a born again lover.

We take pride in the Talking and laughing that fills the empty silence with commotion sharp like a freight train.

Pointless noise fills the lines of notebook pages while we scramble to create a song of accepted emotion to produce for the masses.

While staring into the eyes of an infant

past Present future are embellished with wishful thinking,

and the nature of man kind is Nothing bigger than a mathematical equation,

Used to define space and time Beyond the inception of our dreams.

The dreams I've created

The one that I've taken for granted

The one I share with you as the sun rises beyond the pier of the silent beach while the sand is scrunched beneath foot steps Of despair.

And while I Wade in the low hum of city lights

I continue to estimate the importance of a notion.

A notion dedicated to changing what lies deep under the crust of humanity.

Beneath the callused hands of the man on the park bench are years of growth and love and harmony with uncertainty.

People rehearsing their swag to the rhythm of the heartbeat within the lives of the children

who understand the meaning of Living

beyond expectations.

“Of all the things which wisdom acquires to produce the blessedness of the complete life far the greatest is the possession of Friendship.” -Epicurus

lucky

–adjective, luck·i·er, luck·i·est.

1.

having or marked by good luck; fortunate

2.

happening fortunately

3.

bringing or foretelling good luck, or supposed to do so.

It is not often I consider myself a lucky person. I don’t win raffles, i always find the penny face down, and even when i don’t walk under a ladder I seem to come in to contact with (sorta) near death experiences.

However I do consider myself lucky in the friendship department. Every time I talk to one of my friends, it’s like my heart does a little touch down dance, jazz hands and everything. It’s that moment where I know I did SOMETHING exactly right. I love calling them…or even better them calling me and just smiling cause I know they care, and laughing cause they understand what I’m saying without me even muttering a word.

 

I miss that feeling, I used to feel it everyday, and it became such a part of me, but I know in time it’ll come back, in time. You see I’m at this new stage, the one people come across every once in a blue moon (and the moon isn’t blue that often), where I’m making new friends, and losing some old ones. Now I know people tell me don’t worry everything will work itself out…but what I do best is worry. Actually the top two things I do best is worry and bake.

So now i sit at my lap top, eating a batch of brownies created by me (not the whole batch, just one piece) and I think to myself…..”wow, I’m lucky. I’m lucky to have and be making so many friends. I know eventually those I was close to may drift away, but hopefully they’ll remember me”

This post is for those of you, who are sitting here reading my words with your best friend beside you: hold onto them

This post if for those of you who find your self a little alone in the world right now: sometimes you have to be your best friend, and then they’ll come running like a bunch of college kids on break, for the homemade food in the kitchen.

This post is for those of you who just lost a best friend, no matter how it happened: you touched their lives.

This post is for those of you who are like me, stuck on a wooden bridge with lava underneath you, and a happy place on both sides: you can always build a better bridge and travel back and forth

“Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last” -Remy de Gourmont

I don’t know what is considered a first kiss. Cause I have far to many to count I believe. I think I was kissed in third grade by a kid who smelt like apples, I was kissed in eighth grade by a boy who liked my best friend, and was truly gross, and I was kissed by a boy who became a fantastic boyfriend. All of them were very, VERY different. To the point that I’m not sure some of them were even considered a kiss….more so like a handshake, or a wave hello to someone you don’t even like.

It’s that awkward moment there you can feel they don’t wear chapstick, and they’re breathing so heavy you look like you’re in a shampoo commercial with your hair blowing in the breeze, that you realize every first kiss with someone will always be the same. You stand so far apart that you lean in at a ninety degree angle, you’re not sure when to close your eyes cause you want to see when they close their eyes and eventually it’s a staring contest.

Sometimes when you really like a person and you go into kiss them, you part your lips….just a little to show you like what you’re doing and you’re ok with their move…then BAM you come into contact with a face that is kind of acting like a brick wall. It’s not pleasant, nor in anyway romantic.

Now I know I am only eighteen and if I’m lucky I’ll have my chance at tons of first kisses, but so far I can’t see how any of them would be any different. Every relationship starts (and sometimes ends) with a bad first kiss. It doesn’t happen like the movies show…hell my kisses three months into a relationship aren’t anything like the movies. The only possible way a kiss like that can happen is if
1. You’re kissing an actor.
2. you are an actor.
3. You’re making out with your TV as the notebook is playing.

Now just because I say that a first kiss is bad, doesn’t mean I haven’t enjoyed them all, sorta. You see there is a certain factor in a first kiss, the excitement, the wonder if this one will be better, or the sheer fact that the awkward kiss will be experienced with someone who is hhh-attractive (the point where you make sexual noises because they are so stinking hot!!).

So, enjoy your awkward first kiss, it’s a learning experience, it’s a personal connection that you share with that person…sometimes it’s even considered a person’s hobby :)

“There are all kinds of ways to forestall graduation. Taking a term off, getting suspended, not completing courses, all of these are valid.” Zonker

Mathematical equations,
roaring laughter.
crisp page,
watched clock.
Clicked pen,
new text,
packed up,
forty minutes,
three days,
final exams,
time wasted,
access granted,
straight a's,
not important,
signed yeaerbooks,
tears cried,
weekend parties,
highschool over,
life starting.

“Friendships are what our dreams are made of. We hold onto each other with its binding love. We stand close to each other, hand in hand, showing each

Stop.
Heart beat.
Clammy.
Insecure.
Past.
Forgotten.
Broken.
Lost.
Waiting.
Crying.
Remembering.
Our Song.
Broken Record.
Forgiveness.
Absent.
More tears.
Begin to shake.
Can't look you in the eye.
Too many words.
Not enough sentences.
Awkward smiles.
Embracing hugs.
What if's.
Not worth it.
Whose fault?
I'm Sorry.

“I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.” -Tammy Faye Bakker

I love shopping! I love shopping for everything from shoes, to dresses, to rompers (It's a real word I promise), to curtains, to dish soap!

I really do love shopping. Because I think it releases endorphins- you know things that get released when you exercise to make you feel happy. i would like to think that shopping, releases those same happy hormones...because although i could get tight abs from working out, i can get pumps on sale for $10 dollars...and my feet will no longer feel fat.


But I also believe shopping is an art form, one that takes careful consideration. I believe each person has a different style of shopping technique that they apply to their adventures.

So now i shall share with everyone my style of shopping.

first and foremost...i have no plan. I walk into a store and look for a color that catches my eye, and then i find something that goes with it....or i find another piece in the same color, or i find something completely different, and then i hit the dressing room. Now my plan of attack in there is to throw clothes around the room while dancing to the music over the PA system till i find an item of clothing that accents my bodacious...personality.

Ok so maybe I don't have a beautiful plan of attack, but it works for me.

“Piping down the valleys wild, Piping songs of pleasant glee, On a cloud I saw a child.” -William Blake

I now feel the need to expand my writing in to one of my favorite topics...


There are tons of people who enjoy this show of "low" comedy, and an equal amount of those who hate the show with a fiery passion.

Truth is I have moments where the show is my world. As well as moments that I feel the need to cover my eyes from the disaster on the screen.

These reactions from the public, including myself, are expected. Have we not been a nation raised to express our emotions to the fullest, even if we must hurt others around us, doing the exact same thing we are.

In the words of a wise man...


"Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?"

We have lost the do good, caring, loving, respectful....ok who am I kidding....the majority of the population has never viewed the world, or treated the world as a place full of manners....but its true really!!!! This country is such a beautiful place, full of beautiful people.

When Glee came on I thought it would be the average, musical comedy show that already graced networks, but it turns out Glee is an uplifting, positive, real life explanation. I enjoy the show because it breathes and lives like me. There are episodes that connect to the care free, pants on the ground part of life, and there are episodes that understand sometimes crying is necessary.

If you've never watched Glee take the time to find an episode you like, one with music you connect to and watch it, learn to connect to emotion you always try to hide.

if you have watched Glee and found it wasn't for you...that's ok you are entitled to your opinion...just as the rest of the world.

“That's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong, "

I was on face-book today and had one of the most...shocking, touching, possibly awakening conversations with my cousin two years younger than myself. I will be changing her name so she does not feel outed on the internet. Please disregard all spelling errors I am leaving the messages in the original format.

Me-hi i love you

Niccy-Thanks with the day i have been having, that means a lot.

Me-whats wrong :(:( im free tonight if you need me

Niccy- no i have a lot of things to do for school. Its just today i realized, almost everyone i know, has taken me for granted, i no longer exist o am worth the fight, cause at the end of the day when THEY ARE hurt, i am there... no matter who.. no matter what it is, i am there and they don't understand how easily i can walk away.

Me-i agree with you and you are an amazing person to realize that so soon in life
you can walk away...and sometimes you will but its not in your nature to be cold hearted and that's a good thing i know being there for others all the time is draining

Niccy-its just i make an effort to keep people in y life, i let them feel great and appreciated....WHENEVER i can. its just.. i know they care, but i don't think anyone is willing to fight for me when i will take a bullet for them....

Me-god kid you are so wise you'd be surprised how many will there when you fall...and if you don't see it...that's OK you aren't supposed to

Niccy-I know i am supposed to figure this out later in life, i know my mind works to fast sometimes i jump to conclusions, i mean i learned to not let my parents stand in the way of my happiness and success, shouldn't that happen when i am like 29? moved out of the house?

Me-yea but i think you decided to "move out" a long time ago

Niccy-not 15. and still in high school? seriously am i mute? or invisible, it has to be one of those!!! i swear!!

Me- no...its not that you're strong and secure and sometimes that's the equivalent to being non existent. you look like you don't need help...so people never ask but they should

Niccy- And ya i know, and in reality, i don't need help, i normally don't need someone to catch me when i fall, its just nice knowing more than one person can hear or see me.... that's all


Me-
i hear you.
i see you
i love you
i look up to you

Niccy- how can you look up to me? my life is a total tester.. i am rarely happy, rarely know where i want to go in life, and rarely have any motivation but myself....

Me-
i look up to you because you smile when you should cry, and laugh when you want to scream, you treat people with respect even if they treat you like dirt. you love with all of your heart, and you always give second chances.

i look up to you because you have fear of the unknown, yet you don't let it stop you. you rely on yourself to get you where you want, and no one could stop you.

i look up to you because although you are two years younger than me...you see life so much more clearly than i do

“To rid ourselves of our shadows - who we are - we must step into either total light or total darkness” -Jeremy Preston Johnson

I miss you…sometimes.
I lay in bed
The blanket resting upon the parts of me i gave to you.
But the blanket
feels cold around me.
I fall asleep
to the whirl of the fan rather
than the beat of your heart
against me.
I  close my eyes and
see
you smiling with so much love
for me.

Your tussled hair
your brilliant eyes
the roundness of your lips
and my heart still
flutters.
I’m so close
i can feel your hand on my cheek
I can hide my face in your shirt
I’m
so
close

And i smile
i smile as the tears cloud my vision of the
perfect you
I’ve created in my mind.
the you.
that would.
still love.
me.

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” - Wayne Dyer

So here’s a status update on my life…the exciting thing that it is. Please realize that the previous statement was dripping with sarcasm. 

My last high school play is over. Meet me in St Louis I believe was a great success. I enjoyed my job for the show so much. You see, I had no real job…i did some hair, some makeup, and I dressed my friend into her costumes. Some times  I think I am making the wrong choice of pursuing acting and that I belong on the technical side of theatre, where the energy and rush is!!

And what else is new with me? I graduate in….18 DAYS!!! It is so close I can almost feel the cold air on the field and hear my name called. It’s weird to think that everything I’ve been working towards for the past twelve years is coming to an end.  But I know my life isn't;t over, that although I have enjoyed my life to this point, I have so much left to complete and experience.

My university of choice is ASU…Arizona State University. I am part of the honors college and was accepted into the theatre program. Plus I plan on double majoring. I am so excited to be challenged in a whole new aspect. I leave for college 5 weeks early to participate in a summer program . It is a wonderful thing to become part of a different community. I am looking forward to building new relationships, new friendships, and new goals. All I want in life has become accessible to me and I’m going to grab life by the horns!!!

Sorry there hasn’t been a post in so long…production week tends to suck up all of my time…Happy mothers day to all you beautiful people that read my blog.

I know I happen to be all over the place in this piece but there seems to be a lot on my mind. my body is really showing a difference in all the weight I have lost. I am down 22lbs and I feel amazing!!! I start my diet again in a month and I looking forward to it. I go back to ZUMBA tomorrow and i am looking forward to it. A week off made me feel very lazy.

I’m also thinking of using this blog to post some of my writing so people can comment and lend some advice.

As for now that’s all I have to say… I think my multiple paragraphs of me rambling should be slightly entertaining for a couple of seconds.

Have a good night!!!